Some parents are lucky enough to have those rare children who just go with the flow and nothing seems to phase them. For everyone else, it can be a ongoing struggle to deal with the meltdowns that happen when your plans change unexpectedly or your child has to adjust to something that’s not ideal. Whether it’s a pool party that’s cancelled because of rain, or a play date that starts late because you got stuck at work, here are a few tips on teaching your child how to handle those changes with a bit more grace.
1. Validate their feelings.
Almost every problem with a child should start here. They need to know we're hearing them before they can trust us to help. When we tell a child “It’s not a big deal,” we’re telling them that their feelings are wrong. Let them know that it’s okay to be disappointed and name their feelings. When you do this, you’re not just helping them to feel heard, but you’re teaching them the vocabulary for their feelings. If your child doesn’t feel heard, they will MAKE you hear them by escalating their behaviors. Instead of saying “It’s fine. You can play inside instead,” try “Oh man, you were really looking forward to the pool. How disappointing.” Sometimes a child will be able handle disappointment more appropriately just by knowing that someone "gets it."
2. Stay playful.
When we get stuck in a phase of frustration with a child, the child knows it. They’re prepared for a fight. Throw them off by having a sense of humor. When you’re trying to shop, but your child starts fixating on a toy, they probably already know that they can’t have it. Instead of stating the obvious, resist the urge to get into a power struggle and stay playful. In your head, you might want to say, “Your birthday is in a week. You’ll be getting plenty of presents.” Instead try something like, “That’s toy is so cool. I wish we could get 10 of them.” They might join in and say “I wish we could get a hundred” and so on and so on. With any luck, you might be able to leave the aisle with everyone walking and smiling instead of having to pick a crying child up off of the floor.
3. Show them!
We can’t expect children do exhibit any behaviors that we’re not teaching them. When your child spills cereal all over the floor as you’re trying to leave for work, do you shake your head, roll your eyes, complain that you’re going to be late for work? If we want to teach them not to cry over spilled milk, we can’t do it either. Say “Oops!” with a smile and hand them a towel. Stuck in traffic? Instead of yelling at all the cars around you, throw on a song that everyone knows and sing along or play a game.
4. Know when to ask for help.
Does it feel like you’re doing everything you’re supposed to do, but it’s just not working? Children, just like adults, have their own unique personalities. They won’t respond to things in exactly the same way. Some children predisposed to anxiety, compulsive behaviors or hyperactivity. If you’re doing everything you can think of, and your child still seems to be unhappy more often than seems typical, or his/her tantrums are unsafe, it might be time to consult with a professional to help you figure out what will work for your family so that you can get back to enjoying your time with your child.