When kids are breaking the rules and driving us nuts, common knowledge tells us they need consequences to deter them from continuing the behavior. And our typical go-to? Negative consequences — because they work.
Or do they?
While implementing a consequence or punishment when your child breaks the rules can keep them from engaging in the behavior in your presence, it doesn’t necessarily teach them what you really want them to learn — motivation, perseverance, and responsibility. For example, grounding a child for getting poor grades may teach them such grades are unacceptable, but it won’t necessarily help them realize what they need to do to be successful. There also may be unintended consequences, such as creating anxiety about school or instilling in them a desire to take easier classes. Fear of bad grades might even cause a student to cheat.
Before opting for negative reinforcement when your child does something wrong, ask yourself these five questions:
1) Can your child actually do what you’re asking of them?
Parents often have the best intentions when implementing rules and expectations, but it’s crucial to make sure your expectations aren’t exceeding your child’s abilities. For example, children aged 3 and under can’t yet understand consequences to many behaviors, so punishing a 1-year-old for hitting the dog or a 2-year-old for throwing a cup wouldn’t make sense. Suppose you have a child who’s been diagnosed with ADHD and struggles with impulse control. Telling them to have only two pieces of Halloween candy and then expecting them put the candy away on their own wouldn’t be fair. Nor would it be fair to expect a 3-year-old to be quiet and still for the duration of a six-hour flight. Asking children to do things they can’t do and then punish them when they can’t do it, risks damaging their self-esteem and your relationship with them.
2) Are you being consistent?
Suppose you’ve allowed your child to play with Play-Doh in the kitchen, but then, after a long day of work, you see it all over the kitchen floor and change your mind. You snap: “No more Play-Doh! I’m throwing it away!” In that moment, you’re teaching your child that your word can’t be trusted, that you’re punishing them because you’re in a bad mood, not because they did anything wrong. You’re also teaching them by example that yelling is acceptable. But in order to give children a consistent message, it’s important to make sure your own behavior is in line with what you’re asking of them. If you want your child to wait their turn to talk, don’t interrupt them. If you want your child to respect others’ personal space, don’t force them to hug someone, etc. Being consistent with children is paramount. They need us to have well-defined boundaries.
3) Do your children know what’s expected?
We can’t always anticipate children’s behaviors, so we won’t have rules addressing every possible action. If a child does something you dislike, it’s okay not to punish them the first time. Did they color on the wall? Instead of banishing them to their room for a time-out, it’s fine to say, “Walls aren’t for coloring. If you color anywhere other than the paper again, you’re going to to lose your crayons for three days.” (Children do best when they know the consequence ahead of time.) Then, if they color on the walls again, calmly remind them that they “chose” to lose their crayons for three days. Deciding the consequences beforehand ensures you don’t go overboard out of anger. It’s also another opportunity to show your children that you stick to your word. If you’ve told them what a consequence will be, follow through. Don’t be dramatic. Don’t shame them. Encourage them by explaining they’ll get their privileges back later and by telling them you have confidence they can make a better choice in the future. The encouragement is crucial — we don’t want children to feel like they’re bad. By including encouragement along with your consequences, you can teach your kids that they are capable of self-control, rather than only teaching them not to do a certain thing.
4) Is the behavior something you can ignore?
Sometimes, it might feel like you’re implementing consequence after consequence and you’re not able to enjoy your time with your child anymore. Maybe she stomped up the stairs on the way to her room when you asked her to clean up. In that instance, it might be tempting to address the stomping, but it’s probably just as effective to ignore it, wait until she finishes cleaning, and say, “Thanks for cleaning your room, even though I know you really didn’t feel like it.” By ignoring small misbehaviors, you avoid getting stuck in a constant power struggle, and you show the child by example that it’s possible to stay calm and composed, even when someone else is trying to irritate you. More importantly, by ignoring the rude stomping, you might end up with a clean room, instead of an escalation in behavior.
5) Does the child have an unmet need?
When children act out, it can be a sign that their needs aren’t being met. For example, a child who is struggling in math might refuse to do homework or might intentionally misbehave in school so they can be sent out of the room when it’s time for that subject. A child who isn’t getting enough one-on-one time with you might whine or fake being sick to keep your attention. A child who isn’t getting enough time for free play might not be able to sit still at the dinner table. When a child misbehaves, make sure to consider their motives. If children’s misbehavior is really a disguised, creative way to meet their needs, it’s not fair to punish them. Instead, get them a tutor, spend more quality time with them, let them play outside — whatever the need turns out to be, meet it.