We Wrote a Book!

Parents who come to DC Play Therapy always want to know, “What can I do at home to help?” The answer is exactly what you would guess we’d say— Play. While we know you can’t always be available to play with your kids, we also know that play is how children share and process their feelings.

When you do spend time with your children, we bet that you want to make the most of it. That’s why we put together this resource for therapists and parents. We play TONS of games at DC Play Therapy and wanted to put some of them into a book so that you can use some of them at home as well. Christine, our founder, put together some of her favorite activities, and now it’s available for purchase on Amazon!

If you’re a therapist, this book should have some fresh ideas for your sessions, and if you’re a parent, it has some activities that are easy to put together with items that you probably have at home already. We hope you find something helpful in it. If you get the book and you have questions on how to tweak the activities for you and your little one, leave a comment and we’ll give you some more ideas. Check it out in the link below!

Therapy Games for Kids: 100 Activities to Boost Self-Esteem, Improve Communication, and Build Coping Skills

Parenting Program Coming October 2021!

Great news, Everyone!

In the next 2 months, we’ll be launching our online parenting program. The program take all of the goodness of therapy, and shows you how to use the principles of the therapeutic relationship with your kiddo. Does this mean you’ll be your child’s therapist? Not at all. If you’ve been to therapy though, you know that it’s (hopefully) a place where you feel completely accepted and supported. We want your child to feel that way toward you and want to share the insights of years of therapy with you. The program will be four weeks, with a different focus each week:

Parenting FUNdamentals: Guiding Your Child with Joy & Grace

Week 1: Supporting your Child’s Emotional Needs to Decrease “Problem” Behaviors

Week 2: Using Basic Principles of Therapy to Enhance the Parent/Child Relationship

Week 3: Breaking the Cycle of Passing on Anxieties and Defense Mechanisms

Week 4: Using Joy and Playfulness to Help you to Raise a Happy & Successful Human

If you think these sound helpful, you can get a head start on things by reading this great book. The first module pulls heavily from this easy-to-read gem below:

How To Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

*Bonus: It’s available audio too!

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen Audio

And stay tuned for the March launch date of our new online program!

Self-Regulation Tips Every Parent Should Know to Help Kids Manage Their Emotions

“I got lucky. She was an easy baby.”

We’ve all heard that one at some point or another, right? But what exactly does that mean? When someone calls a child an “easy baby,” what they’re really saying is the baby was quick to learn to self-regulate. Some parents, though, have children that take longer to sleep through the night, are harder to wean from breast feeding, and are tougher to soothe when they’re crying. As they get older, this difficulty might show up in the form of tantrums, accidentally playing too roughly on the playground, or having trouble sitting still in school. This doesn’t mean those parents are doing anything different or wrong; it simply means some children need more help and more time when it comes to self-regulating — the process of being able to manage their emotions, behaviors, and bodily movements on their own.

The good news is, self-regulation is a skill that can be improved throughout life, and as a parent, you have the most power to help your child do just that. Here are some tips:

1. Check in with yourself first.

   Humans (and other primates) have what are called mirror neurons, and it’s believed that they are part of what helps us have empathy for others. Mirror neurons fire not only when a person acts, but also when a person observes someone else performing an act, coding the action in the brain as if the person themselves were actually doing what they were witnessing. What does this mean for parenting? The actions you show your child can help improve (or impair) your relationship and improve (or impair) your child’s ability to self-regulate. For example, when your child is bouncing off the walls and not listening, the last thing that comes naturally is to be calm and relaxed, but that’s exactly what he or she will need at that point. To get the best response from your child, make sure you take a moment to check in with yourself. If you react from a place of frustration and anger, you’ll get a mirrored response. On the other hand, if you come from a place of support and love, you can literally change the way your child’s brain reacts, too.

2. Remember to co-regulate.

   If your child isn’t self-regulating on her own, then she probably isn’t able to yet. This means, we can’t just tell kids what to do, we need to show them. Join in whatever they’re doing, be it playing a game, screeching with glee, or singing a song, and then, help them to bring their energy up or down in a controlled way. How do we do this? Read on for step three.

3. Practice repetitive movement.

   Think about how we naturally soothe a baby: We bounce, we rock. Repetitive movements such as those help children learn to regulate. Some ways to incorporate repetitive movement at home are with toys such as trampolines and jump ropes or games, such as Simon Says and Red Light, Green Light. You can even build an indoor obstacle course (it’s super simple, promise)! Remember, though: It’s not enough to just tell your kids to go jump rope or play a game; you have to do it with them, while being in your own state of regulated calmness. When your child is doing an activity, help them get into a rhythm by counting aloud as they jump around, for example. Exercise has the added benefit of releasing dopamine, too.

4. Put on some music.

   Besides bouncing and rocking, we also soothe babies (and other little ones) by singing to them. Music inherently has rhythmic and repetitive qualities to it — there’s a reason so many kids are obsessed with the song “Baby Shark.” When kids sing in rhythm with a song, it soothes their nervous system. With music, you can join in to add the benefit of co-regulation, and you can add movement through dance. Music and rhythm can be especially helpful to use with children who have ADHD because it also helps build focus. Here are a few of our favorite song and dance tracks: Peanut Butter in a Cup, The Sid Shuffle, Shake Your Sillies Out, and Dinosaur Stomp.

   There are infinite ways to help your child self-regulate, but they key is to connect with them and be regulated yourself. Children learn the most when they’re playing, so join in and have fun!

5 Important Questions to Ask Yourself Before Punishing Your Child

When kids are breaking the rules and driving us nuts, common knowledge tells us they need consequences to deter them from continuing the behavior. And our typical go-to? Negative consequences — because they work.

Or do they?

While implementing a consequence or punishment when your child breaks the rules can keep them from engaging in the behavior in your presence, it doesn’t necessarily teach them what you really want them to learn — motivation, perseverance, and responsibility. For example, grounding a child for getting poor grades may teach them such grades are unacceptable, but it won’t necessarily help them realize what they need to do to be successful. There also may be unintended consequences, such as creating anxiety about school or instilling in them a desire to take easier classes. Fear of bad grades might even cause a student to cheat.

 Before opting for negative reinforcement when your child does something wrong, ask yourself these five questions:

1)  Can your child actually do what you’re asking of them?
Parents often have the best intentions when implementing rules and expectations, but it’s crucial to make sure your expectations aren’t exceeding your child’s abilities. For example, children aged 3 and under can’t yet understand consequences to many behaviors, so punishing a 1-year-old for hitting the dog or a 2-year-old for throwing a cup wouldn’t make sense. Suppose you have a child who’s been diagnosed with ADHD and struggles with impulse control. Telling them to have only two pieces of Halloween candy and then expecting them put the candy away on their own wouldn’t be fair. Nor would it be fair to expect a 3-year-old to be quiet and still for the duration of a six-hour flight. Asking children to do things they can’t do and then punish them when they can’t do it, risks damaging their self-esteem and your relationship with them.

2)  Are you being consistent?
Suppose you’ve allowed your child to play with Play-Doh in the kitchen, but then, after a long day of work, you see it all over the kitchen floor and change your mind. You snap: “No more Play-Doh! I’m throwing it away!” In that moment, you’re teaching your child that your word can’t be trusted, that you’re punishing them because you’re in a bad mood, not because they did anything wrong. You’re also teaching them by example that yelling is acceptable. But in order to give children a consistent message, it’s important to make sure your own behavior is in line with what you’re asking of them. If you want your child to wait their turn to talk, don’t interrupt them. If you want your child to respect others’ personal space, don’t force them to hug someone, etc. Being consistent with children is paramount. They need us to have well-defined boundaries.

3) Do your children know what’s expected?
We can’t always anticipate children’s behaviors, so we won’t have rules addressing every possible action. If a child does something you dislike, it’s okay not to punish them the first time. Did they color on the wall? Instead of banishing them to their room for a time-out, it’s fine to say, “Walls aren’t for coloring. If you color anywhere other than the paper again, you’re going to to lose your crayons for three days.” (Children do best when they know the consequence ahead of time.) Then, if they color on the walls again, calmly remind them that they “chose” to lose their crayons for three days. Deciding the consequences beforehand ensures you don’t go overboard out of anger. It’s also another opportunity to show your children that you stick to your word. If you’ve told them what a consequence will be, follow through. Don’t be dramatic. Don’t shame them. Encourage them by explaining they’ll get their privileges back later and by telling them you have confidence they can make a better choice in the future. The encouragement is crucial — we don’t want children to feel like they’re bad. By including encouragement along with your consequences, you can teach your kids that they are capable of self-control, rather than only teaching them not to do a certain thing.

4)  Is the behavior something you can ignore?
Sometimes, it might feel like you’re implementing consequence after consequence and you’re not able to enjoy your time with your child anymore. Maybe she stomped up the stairs on the way to her room when you asked her to clean up. In that instance, it might be tempting to address the stomping, but it’s probably just as effective to ignore it, wait until she finishes cleaning, and say, “Thanks for cleaning your room, even though I know you really didn’t feel like it.” By ignoring small misbehaviors, you avoid getting stuck in a constant power struggle, and you show the child by example that it’s possible to stay calm and composed, even when someone else is trying to irritate you. More importantly, by ignoring the rude stomping, you might end up with a clean room, instead of an escalation in behavior.

5) Does the child have an unmet need?
When children act out, it can be a sign that their needs aren’t being met. For example, a child who is struggling in math might refuse to do homework or might intentionally misbehave in school so they can be sent out of the room when it’s time for that subject. A child who isn’t getting enough one-on-one time with you might whine or fake being sick to keep your attention. A child who isn’t getting enough time for free play might not be able to sit still at the dinner table. When a child misbehaves, make sure to consider their motives. If children’s misbehavior is really a disguised, creative way to meet their needs, it’s not fair to punish them. Instead, get them a tutor, spend more quality time with them, let them play outside — whatever the need turns out to be, meet it.

4 Ways to Improve Your Child's Flexibility

Some parents are lucky enough to have those rare children who just go with the flow and nothing seems to phase them. For everyone else, it can be a ongoing struggle to deal with the meltdowns that happen when your plans change unexpectedly or your child has to adjust to something that’s not ideal. Whether it’s a pool party that’s cancelled because of rain, or a play date that starts late because you got stuck at work, here are a few tips on teaching your child how to handle those changes with a bit more grace.

1.     Validate their feelings. 

Almost every problem with a child should start here. They need to know we're hearing them before they can trust us to help. When we tell a child “It’s not a big deal,” we’re telling them that their feelings are wrong. Let them know that it’s okay to be disappointed and name their feelings. When you do this, you’re not just helping them to feel heard, but you’re teaching them the vocabulary for their feelings. If your child doesn’t feel heard, they will MAKE you hear them by escalating their behaviors. Instead of saying “It’s fine. You can play inside instead,” try “Oh man, you were really looking forward to the pool. How disappointing.” Sometimes a child will be able handle disappointment more appropriately just by knowing that someone "gets it."

2.     Stay playful.

When we get stuck in a phase of frustration with a child, the child knows it. They’re prepared for a fight. Throw them off by having a sense of humor. When you’re trying to shop, but your child starts fixating on a toy, they probably already know that they can’t have it. Instead of stating the obvious, resist the urge to get into a power struggle and stay playful. In your head, you might want to say, “Your birthday is in a week. You’ll be getting plenty of presents.” Instead try something like, “That’s toy is so cool. I wish we could get 10 of them.” They might join in and say “I wish we could get a hundred” and so on and so on. With any luck, you might be able to leave the aisle with everyone walking and smiling instead of having to pick a crying child up off of the floor. 

3.     Show them!

We can’t expect children do exhibit any behaviors that we’re not teaching them. When your child spills cereal all over the floor as you’re trying to leave for work, do you shake your head, roll your eyes, complain that you’re going to be late for work? If we want to teach them not to cry over spilled milk, we can’t do it either. Say “Oops!” with a smile and hand them a towel. Stuck in traffic? Instead of yelling at all the cars around you, throw on a song that everyone knows and sing along or play a game. 

4.     Know when to ask for help.

Does it feel like you’re doing everything you’re supposed to do, but it’s just not working? Children, just like adults, have their own unique personalities. They won’t respond to things in exactly the same way. Some children predisposed to anxiety, compulsive behaviors or hyperactivity. If you’re doing everything you can think of, and your child still seems to be unhappy more often than seems typical, or his/her tantrums are unsafe, it might be time to consult with a professional to help you figure out what will work for your family so that you can get back to enjoying your time with your child. 

How to Talk to Your Child about Going to Therapy

If your child is in school, they may already know what a “counselor” is. They also may think that the counselor is the person you talk to “if you’re bad.” The last thing that anyone wants to do is to make a child feel as if there is something wrong with him. Here are a few tips to help ease your child’s anxiety about seeing a therapist. 

1) Let your child know that Therapy is not a punishment. 

Children understand the idea of going to a doctor for help with a physical injury. You can explain to your child that a therapist is a different kind of doctor who helps people when they have feelings that don’t feel good. Some people even refer to the therapist as a “feeling doctor.” 

You can even explain to your child if you’ve gone to therapy in the past (as long as you don’t disclose more information than is appropriate for their age.) For example, if a grandparent passed away previously, and the child already knew about it, you might say something like “Remember when grandma passed away? I was feeling really sad after that, so I went to a therapist to help me feel better.” (Keep in mind, of course, that your child won’t think to keep this information confidential, so if you’d like to keep your therapy private, this particular tip isn’t for you.) This can be a great opportunity to model self-care and destigmatize mental health. 

Keep it light. If you don’t act like therapy is a big deal, your child won’t think that it is either. 

2) Let them know what to expect. 

Just like adults, kids are most anxious about the unknown. To ease their worries, if possible, show them a picture of the therapist from the therapist’s website. For especially anxious children, you can even drive them by the office or ask the therapist for photos of the office. Then, let the child know what to expect once you arrive at the office. You can explain they might talk about school and home, but that there will also be games and art. Make sure that your child knows that they can always say no to the therapist if they’re not comfortable with something. 

3) Don’t bring up the therapist when you’re frustrated. 

Children can be exhausting now and then. We all lose our cool sometimes, but in those moments, be sure not to say anything that will make them associate the therapist with punishments. For example, if your child is jumping on the couch or throwing food, be sure not to say “THIS is why we’re going to see the therapist” or “We’ll talk about this with Miss Christine next week.”

The child needs to see the therapist as their ally, not yours. 

4) Bring a friend.

No, not their best friend from school, but maybe a stuffed animal or a blanket. Young children often have a toy or blanket that they associate with security. Let them know that they can bring it. If your child is especially nervous, you might even talk to the therapist about bringing one of their games from home. With many kids, it can be encouraging enough to say “This therapist has lots of games,” but saying that same thing to an anxious or perfectionist child could invoke fear. They might worry that they won’t know how to play the games or might not be good at them. This can be avoided easily by bringing a game from home, as long as you discuss it with the therapist ahead of time. 

5) Validate their feelings.

It can be tempting to tell your child that “It’s nothing to worry about.” If changing your feelings were that easy, therapists wouldn’t have jobs. Let your child know that it’s okay to be nervous by saying things like ,”It can be scary to meet new people sometimes.” Or “It seems like you’re a little nervous.”

6) Ask if they have questions. 

Children often worry about things that would never cross our minds. You might think that your child is nervous about meeting someone new, but really, he’s worried that he’ll be missing PE. You can often avoid some worries by simply asking them if they have any questions. 

7) Ask for help!

If your child is still nervous or refusing to go to therapy after all of this, call the therapist to ask for advice. That’s what we’re here for!